lifeafterloss

Life for men in the noughties can be all too much: a career that demands commitment, time and application and a boss that doesn’t want to listen; a partner with high lifestyle expectations and the same hopes for the kids; negative equity, sky-high bills, no time to relax – it isn’t easy at the best of times.

But what happens when all that is fundamentally changed for the worse by something out of your control? Each year, over 600,000 people die in the UK. Most of those leave behind a partner: some also leave children for that partner to bring up… alone.

Death doesn’t only happen to old people. Although many of us will be fortunate not to be faced with the premature death of our partner, it occurs and it affects both sexes. That leaves a significant number of men, already dealing with the demanding realities of life, with what can be an unbearable setback, from which there may be no way out.

It can be worse for men in particular because the natural inclination can be to try to shrug off even the most devastating of setbacks, don the stiff upper lip, and get on with it.

However, male machismo alone can never be enough. Honing the six-pack in the gym won’t mend your heart – what’s needed is time and some love and empathy from people who understand.

And that’s what inspired Nottingham’s Joanna Rawsterne to set up and launch Life after Loss in May this year.  Joanna saw how her friend’s death at 43, affected her husband. She also saw that his initial attempts to meet someone else online through dating agencies failed as, at first, he needed contact with someone else who understood, rather than the conventional “male, tall and dark, would like to meet” dating websites we’re all aware of.

Besides providing access to other people who’ve lost a loved one, Life after Loss also offers links to a nationwide network of bereavement counsellors, and a chat forum.  Sadly, to date almost all of the members are women. Women appear to be more comfortable with displaying vulnerability and are more ready to seek help and support. Surely the demands on noughties men haven’t removed him from his most basic human need to be able to grieve openly? Keeping emotions hidden and acting tough won’t help you to move on. If you’re unfortunate enough to have suffered one of the most fundamental of blows life can throw at you – the premature death of the woman you love - get support from sources such as Life After Loss and begin to move forward at a comfortable pace with people who understand.

Life after Loss includes free membership for a six-month period for the first 100 members. Log on to www.lifeafterloss.co.uk and begin the long road back to happiness. A real man’s most important muscle is his heart – look after it when it’s broken.

Like me, you may have heard the expression “some good comes out of everything”.  It’s usually meant as some sort of comfort, when something devastating has happened, but it often rings hollow. How can something positive come out of a premature death, for example? It just doesn’t add up.

Or that’s what I thought, until the tragic loss of my friend Andy’s wife, Jane, to lung cancer in June of 2006. Jane, who’d never smoked in her life, lost her fight at the age of 43. Andy dedicated his life to supporting and caring for Jane, packing in work to look after her full-time, but they were cruelly parted after only one year of married life together. Naturally, we did all we could as a family to support him through his darkest days but it felt for him that hope had died when he lost Jane.

Losing a partner is tragic in itself, but at first support and professional services are there to support the bereaved through the early stages – from funeral directors to friends and family. But, as time moves, this support often wanes and the bereaved are often left with a sense of emptiness and sheer loneliness – you’ve lost the very person who you’d confide in and seek comfort from, at the very time you need it most. This can be a very dangerous time because some people lock themselves away with their thoughts and may sink into depression as a result. For others like Andy, however, it can act as a trigger to find a new companion – someone who might be able to ease the load at this testing time in his life.  To do this, Andy looked to online dating services in an attempt to find companionship, but he didn’t find it easy. He told to us that there was nothing out there for people like him - he didn’t so much want a “date” in the traditional sense, but to spend some time with a female who understood where he was coming from and whom he could feel safe with.

Andy’s comment came as a revelation to me. I’d worked in local government for years but I’d always hankered for working for myself, but doing something that would make a positive difference to people and here it was! I decided to set up a friendship, dating and support service for the bereaved and I’ve called it “Life after Loss”.

From the initial idea, almost a year was spent setting up the site and establishing a nationwide network of bereavement counsellors which people could access through the site. But in May 2008 the new service will be launched, with free membership for the first 100 members for six months.  It’s an exciting and positive stage of my life and my hope is, that through Life after Loss, I can help bereaved people to help pick themselves up in the company of others who understand, because they’ve been bereaved too.

And if I had a tardis and I could turn the clock back, Life after Loss wouldn’t exist and Andy and Jane would still be sharing their lives together – but that won’t happen. The fact is, however, that emerging from the tragedy of her death is something positive which helps people at their lowest ebb. I’d like to think that if she’s looking down at me, Jane will be pleased to know that she’s been my inspiration and for that, I will always be in her debt, as will every bereaved person who finds comfort and solace through Life after Loss.